Right now, I feel like I'm earning about a D+ at my "job." I feel like there are a hundred things I NEED to be doing, but that I'm not doing. Not just that I need to be doing, but that I WANT to be doing. I'm a total idealist, however, I'm not holding myself accountable to those standards that I've set. I'm not keeping my house as tidy as I'd like (and I'm sure the Mr. would like), I'm not teaching Noah his flashcards, I'm not doing enough projects with him, I'm not experimenting in the kitchen much at all, I'm not planning our meals, I haven't cleaned out my closets and files (which has been on my to do list for at least 6 months now), I'm not spending much time sewing, I'm not spending enough time exercising, I'm falling behind on my blog (which is my journal for our family and Noah, so kind of important!), I'm not finding and cutting coupons, I'm not reading my Bible, I'm not reading child development books...WHAT is my problem, and what the heck AM I doing?
Remember my post about stay at home moms, not staying at home? Well, I've decided that I've got to actually spend more time at home. My Noah is developing so fast right now. He's such a sponge, and I'm finding that even though I'm "home" I'm letting so many other distractions get in the way. I'm so frustrated with myself sometimes. My mind, my will and my heart don't seem to work too well together.
I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and working on small things here and there. (I have to list a few good things now, to balance out the tirade of confessions above!) On Saturday, I made Noah popsicles and I let him help me. He poured the mixture into the cups and then he stuck the sticks in. He really did! Instead of shooing him away, I pulled up a chair to the counter, let him stand on it and help me. He was so happy and proud, and I felt the same afterward. I was in no hurry and the counter is easily cleaned, so why not? He also likes to put clothes in the dryer, so I enlisted his help today! I can tell he gets a great sense of accomplishment from these small tasks. I also made it a point to do some scripture reading this morning. After having been a Christian for most of my life, I should know my Bible and my God much better than I do. This admission is heart breaking to actually see in words, but it's true, and I've got to stop feeling bad about it and make a change...a consistent change. And, on a lighter note, rather than leaving clean clothes on my bed to be folded at another time, I thought of my mom and her super organized ways, and folded them before doing anything else. A small thing, but it felt good!
I have to keep working on this. Our weeks are filled with so many good things, mainly hanging out with our friends doing various activities, and I don't want to push that aside either. How to balance???
I'm not really sure why I'm writing all of this on this forum. I think many of us want to be better at what we do, so perhaps I'm looking for comfort in others. I don't want to be a lone ranger; the only one making a D+ at my job!
I want to live my life with purpose and not just say on Fridays, "wow, that week went by fast." Noah slept with us last night, and I looked over at his peaceful face many times and thought, one day he's going to be a man. I'm sure I'll have some regrets about what I could or should have done, but mostly I want to be able to think that I did everything with him to the fullest of the abilities God has given me.
UPDATE: After reflecting on this post last night, I had an additional thought. This is not the first time I've felt this way, but I think I haven't been able to make consistent changes because I'm relying on my own strength to do it. I can't do anything I want to do on my own. I'm way too unreliable. I think the Lord is teaching me that I need to put my dependence on Him and not on myself. Darrin preached this weekend on 1 Thessalonians, and one of the verses says that "we are not trying to please men, but God who tests our hearts." Although, I'm taking that exact verse a bit out of context, it still speaks to me, because I feel like I've been trying to be the woman I want to be, rather than who God wants me to be. I don't think there is anything wrong with my ambitions and honestly, I believe that the way I want to be falls in line with who God has intended me to be. But the question is, who am I doing it for? Myself? My friends? My family? Not good enough. Everything I do for myself and others should ultimately and firstly be in service to my God. For some reason this is hard to keep at the forefront, but it is so much more motivating when I can remember it! After all, He is the one who gave me my friends and family and any ability I might have. I'll keep thinking on this...