A Birth Story: Silas Buswell

I realized it's been almost a year since I've blogged anything about our growing family, and what better way to catch up, than to document the birth of our third sweet baby, Silas Buswell.

As our friends and family know, it was THE CRAZIEST WEEK of our lives.  The short recap is that we:
1. closed on a house on Friday, the 5th
2. bought a third row vehicle also on that Friday, the 5th
3. painted the new house and packed on Saturday and Sunday, the 6th and 7th
4. had a baby on Monday, the 8th
5. moved into the new house on Wednesday, the 10th
6. came home from the hospital with baby on Friday, the 12th

There is no way we could have ever gotten through this week without our family and friends, whose presence and willingness to walk with us through the madness, enabled us to make it happen.

That Sunday evening, as Matt walked around our new house, observing the 15 or so people milling around, doing various needed tasks, and thinking about the massive amount of work that still had to be done, he thought to himself, "what were we thinking?" But it was much too late to turn back!

I was packed, mentally prepared for Monday, and so so so ready to have Silas in my arms and NOT in my womb. Monday morning came, we said our goodbyes to Noah and London telling them that the next time we saw them, Silas would be here. They were both very excited! It was a fairly calm ride to the hospital. Matt dropped me at the door, and I walked in with my insurance card and driver's license. I signed in and was sent to waiting room, and from there, they walked us up to the surgery prep floor where we were given a room. It was so organized, so planned out…so unlike either of my other two experiences! But as I laid on the hospital bed, in my hospital gown, my nerves began to unravel. I had time to think about what was about to happen. In blunt terms, my abdomen was going to be cut open and my baby boy would be born. And I would be awake while it was happening. One of my worst fears was that the anesthesia wouldn't work, and I would feel the surgery in the middle of the procedure. I was also having flashbacks of my body shaking violently and the nausea that hit with Noah and London's births.

Funny how those fears dissipated immediately the second Silas was born, and I had him to look and listen for. Matt remembers that he didn't cry right away, so he was concerned and watching him closely.  Silas was fine though, and soon Matt brought him close to me so that I could see and kiss his sweet little head. I still experienced the same longing and bit of sadness knowing that because this was a cesarean and not a vaginal birth, I wasn't able to hold my sweet boy right away. I had to look at him from a distance, and something about that seemed so unnatural. I also remember feeling such a sense of relief that he was HERE and not inside of me anymore!

They rolled us back to our pre/post surgery room, where they insisted that Silas lay in a warming bed…they wouldn't let me hold him, and I was slighted annoyed by this. With all of the homework I did in preparation for London's birth, I knew that he would warm quickest laying skin to skin with ME; not in the dumb warming bed, while not being held minutes after being born. (And, by the way, this is my only complaint with St. Johns…otherwise, I was very happy yet again with them.)  He did finally warm enough so that they would let me hold and nurse him, and much to my elation, he was right off the bat, an amazing nurser! Praise God, he was (and still is, 8 months later) a fantastic nurser.

From that point on, Silas and I enjoyed a peaceful week bonding in the hospital, and my sweet, generous family worked tirelessly on our move and our new house. We traveled home on Friday morning, and walking in, I saw for the first time, our new house with all of our stuff, and I knew that this is where our young family would spend some of the most special years of our lives. Even though this felt like the first time I'd been in the house, it felt like home. Silas and I were home.

Time

The thought hit me this week that I have very little time left with JUST Noah. The last couple of weeks I've been so focused on when this baby is going to come, that the seemingly obvious opposite to her arrival escaped me. It will never be just Noah ever again. I should cherish these last days with him. And so I have been. This week has been a week of just the two of us.

Here's the run down:

Monday we visited what might be his new "school" (more on this later), then we had a leisurely lunch where we shot his space shuttle across the table at each other for a while, hit the grocery store and then headed home. Played more that afternoon too. Tuesday, we hung out hiding, playing, talking and watching cartoons until my doctor's appointment, and today we stayed in all day (mainly due to how crappy I've been feeling, but nonetheless, in we were). We played, cleaned, talked, and made silly faces at each other at breakfast and lunch.

Not every moment has been smooth though. For instance, today we had a serious nap show down. After him getting out of his bed nine times, hitting me twice, getting his two favorite toys taken away, and getting two spankings, I won. And when it was finally time for him to get up, we were closer than ever. I absolutely love it when the Lord confirms my tactics this way. He needed some boundaries, I set them, cried while I did it, but did it, and he felt more secure with me after it was over. Sheesh, what a "nap time."

My point is that I've really connected with him this week, and I unfortunately feel like it's partly because I haven't been social. I firmly believe that Noah needs time with his friends in social environments, but there is something so special about just spending time cultivating our relationship.  Talking, interacting, playing, teaching, nurturing, loving...not just rushing to get somewhere. I know I've thought about this before, and I've probably written about it too, but I've yet to discover the balance of really growing his spirit and providing activities. I thankfully do feel like the Lord is teaching me these things, but I kind of just hate having to learn them along the way. I want to know all the right things right now! I want Noah to get the best mom, and I certainly am not that. This week Christ is teaching me that it's not about how good I can be though, but how good He is, and that's where I need to look. I've already failed a million times, but that's not what He sees, and I'm hoping it's not what Noah will see either.

Rambling over, I am just really loving this week and all the time with Noah. He's growing up so fast...he'll be three in less than two weeks, and he'll also have a sister for the rest of his life in (what I hope is) less than two weeks!

Sweet, growing times.

Feeling Grateful

At this stage of the game, 2 weeks out from being due that is, I more often than not feel the tendency to complain about how I'm feeling.  I'm having the same ligament pain I had with Noah, and also beginning to feel anxious about going into labor. It could happen any moment, and for me, the unknown is nerve-racking. But between receiving the awesome gift from my aunt and uncle yesterday, working on my thank you cards from my baby shower, and having a really fulfilling family day with Matt and Noah, I feel like I've been remiss in my scarfy attitude.

The Lord has blessed our lives over abundantly. We live in a great city, in a good house, surrounded by sweet generous friends.  We attend a solid church that feels like home, we love and are loved, we have gracious supportive families, our second child is just a few weeks away from showing herself, and Christ has given us life.  Why and how do I still find room to complain?! It's amazing that the Lord is so patient with me because I absolutely do not deserve it. I am so thankful He has already forgiven me for these miserable parts of my personality and I don't have to live regretting the myriad of stupid attitudes I get. I'm so thankful for His love and graciousness to me.

A Few Conversations

While sitting on the toilet this afternoon: 
Noah: "sssshhhhhhh..." (while holding his finger to his mouth)
Me: (whispering) "ok, what is it?"
Noah: (whispering) "there's a monster coming."
Me: "OH, really? is he a scary monster or a friendly one?"
Noah: "he's a friendly one."
Me:  (still whispering) "oh good."
Noah: "mommy, ssssshhhh. there's a friendly pirate coming too."
Me: "oh, ok."
Noah: (whispering continues) "and a friendly elephant is coming too."
Me: I just laughed really hard at this point.
Noah: "sssssshhhhhh..."

While eating lunch at McAlisters with Daddy and Grams after BSF one Tuesday back in April:
Noah : "Jesus is holding me. He's a big guy, and He's not scary. He loves me."
Me: I just cried.


While sitting on the toilet right before bed time (also in April):
Noah: "Can God take me potty?"
Me: I just laugh.
Noah: "Cause God loves me." (implied: God loves me, so surely he'll take me potty.)
Me: "Yep, God does love you buddy."
Noah: "God loves me, and Daddy loves me, and Mommy loves me."
Me: "That's right sweetie, we all love you very much." (heart melting!)

Reflections

 Watched a movie tonight where the main character loses her three day old baby. Heart breaking. And I just happen to be home by myself this weekend. Matt and Noah have gone down to the lake for the Fourth weekend. I'm too pregnant and generally miserable to ride in the car that long, so I stayed home. Bad movie choice for being home alone (which pretty much never happens) and seeing all of Noah's little toys and his room without his presence to occupy them. Made me miss him more than I thought I would honestly. These moments are kind of sad but also healthy I think. It's good to miss the people you love the most; brings out a new perspective of appreciation and love for them.

Before he left this morning, Noah told me he loved me several times and I got lots of hugs and kisses. Recently he's been pretty cuddly with me too. I think he senses the changes ahead within our family, and so he's storing up the love and attention. My theory anyway. It's weird to think that in 7 weeks it will never just be the three of us again. I'm ridiculously excited to meet (still nameless) baby girl, but also a little sad to say goodbye to our current family dynamic. Three years of just Noah and us, and before him, 9 years of just us. I feel like it's so cliche to say how blessed we are, but really, we are. God has given us a beautiful family, and the changes that keep happening are shaping our lives forever. 

I wonder how Noah and this baby will click. Will he be jealous? Will he be mama's little helper? Will he try to jump on her? Will he revert and want to be a baby again, breastfeeding and all? All things to be determined very very soon!

January in Pictures

Playing in the snow at home.

"Fixin'" things with friend, Morgan.

Sledding with Mom and Dad...mostly Dad!

Watching water skiing on youtube, and wanting to do it too! Couldn't have made his Daddy any happier if he tried! (Using swords for skis, and a lanyard for a rope.)

Saying goodbye to our friends the Matlocks.

  Sarah's sweet baby shower for Diesel.

Stark Christmas 2010

What a cheeser! 

We celebrated Christmas with the Stark side this year a week before Christmas weekend. We spent our time together at the lake with Uncle Brian, Aunt J, Parker and Tyler, and of course Nana and Papa. We enjoyed our traditional Prime Rib dinner together and then woke up the next morning to open gifts. And gifts there were! Tons of them! These three boys (well, us adults too) are a little spoiled!

I didn't know what these were until Deb told me the boys wanted them. Oh the things I still have to learn!

Noah was much more excited about this train set than his face shows here!

All the boys wanted to play with Tyler's new truck...some mediation was required!

Aunt Ev does not approve!!!

Firetruck!

And the airplane from Papa that got immediate play time. Papa always picks out great gifts!

Parker and his bug glasses!

Enough with the gifts, let's go outside! Actually, I think we were getting ready to go to the outlet malls (the trip where I secretly bought the "Big Brother" shirt for Noah), but we let the boys play a little outside first. It was a really nice day.

I just think he looks so cute in these pictures!

...hmmmm, how much trouble will we get in if we go into the woods?

We had a great weekend with the Stark family. And although spending time with loved ones is the objective and the most important aspect of holidays together, I can't NOT mention that this was the year of the Cuisinart Food Processor, purchased by my MIL for me for a crazy, amazingly good price! Thank you Deb...I love it! We also appreciate all the work that goes into to having all of us down at the lake. 

So after the Christmas celebration, but before heading back to St. Louis, we stopped by Uncle Brian's fire station.

Noah is in his own little personal heaven.

He even got to try on a real fireman's hat. It was a little heavy!

This boy loves his Uncle Brian!

Brian made Matt try on all his gear to get a feel for it.

This is about the time when Matt realized he is quite comfortable behind a desk.

Noah: "Can I drive again?"

Uncle Brian: "Anything for you buddy."

And how about some Oreos to top off the experience? Guess where Noah wants to go every time we go to Springfield now? I wonder why! Time of his life. Thanks Uncle Brian!